Amok Time.

I have finally seen Amok Time, aka The One Where Spock Goes Into Heat, and since it is the world’s first Slashiest Episode In History, i felt it necessary to recap the entire thing. For the historical value. Thanks to star trek fanfic authors, and their somewhat natural assumption that no one should have to warn for episode spoilers after 35 years, i basically know what happens in this ep, but the fun is in watching it, right?

Screencap recap, Energize!

To set us up, a screencap from “City on the Edge of Forever,” a famous ep in which lots of interesting things happen – of which by far the most interesting is this:

Joan Collins: You two know you don’t exactly belong here.
Spock: And…where would you say we belong, Miss Keeler?
Joan Collins: You? *shooting him a look* At his side. As if you’ve always been there, and always will.

Amok Time.

So, Spock’s all going insane, which for Spock means he speaks in a slightly louder volume than normal, and plays with his food.

Kirk is shocked and worried, and tries to get Spock to tell him why he’s requesting a leave of absence on Vulcan.

But Spock can’t/won’t tell him and instead prepares to brain him with a fountain pen or something, but his HAND IS TREMBLING BEHIND HIS BACK. Spock.

He and Kirk stand much too close together, and Spock looks meaningfully into Kirk’s eyes and asks him to trust him. Kirk silently agrees, and then sees the fountain pen or WTF IS THAT anyway, lol, maybe it’s just a pen, I know nothing. Anyway, he doesn’t say a word, just looks at Spock like a kicked, shocked puppy as he tells the bridge to drop Spock off at his parent’s place.

See? Kicked ‘I’m trusting you, though you hurt me’ puppy.

After he goes, Spock, truly shaken, recites the ‘is this a fountain pen I see before me?’ speech from Macbeth, his hand still trembling. DON’T DIE, SPOCK.

By the way, this scene is totally ten times slashier if you know exactly what spock is angsting about. Was he planning to knife himself or the captain if the captain had said no? It seems to be left ambiguous. My money’s on himself. :/

So all’s well until they’re ordered by Planet X-Machina to alter their course. Kirk complies so now Spock has to tell him why he needs to go to Vulcan, the poor sod. WILL HE DO IT? LET’S FIND OUT.

Kirk: tough luck. That’s what you get for freaking out and not trusting me enough to make it sound important.
Spock: *stands there in shock*

Kirk: *begins to suspect something might be awry, but not strongly enough to do anything about it before the next scene change*

So then, Kirk, while lying in evident repose, clearly is unable to stop thinking about Spock long enough to actually be in repose, so he asks Chekhov (lol Chekhov!) to debunk his orders and calculate putting them on course for Vulcan anyway.

Chekhov’s like, uh, we’re already going to Vulcan just like Spock ordered.

Kirk does not get enraged at this blatant mutiny on the part of his first mate, just goes and finds him and drags him off for a private therapy session / yelling match. Spock, still looking like a zombie, complies.

in the elevator-whatsit, things are even weirder; Spock has no memory of altering course and is all, lock me up and don’t ask me any more questions! (For someone so empirical he is really terribly embarrassed about all this.) Kirk’s like, screw that, you’re going to the doctor.

Meanwhile, Chekhov and Sulu complain about how the Enterprise is being whipped back and forth from one direction to the other like a, well, a tennis ball in a Japanese junior high school. At the moment they’re headed towards Not!Vulcan, except:

Bones: if you don’t take Spock to Vulcan, he’ll DIE. i don’t know WHY, but just trust me, there will be DEATH.

Kirk: *flips out*

Bones: he knows why all this is happening, but he won’t tell me.
Kirk: The hell he won’t.

me: OH HELL YEAH, GO MAKE HIM TALK, BABY. i mean. i hate sci fi? D:

no one knows why over one million Vulcans have been rejected from E-harmony.com, but Spock, in desperation, is checking his myspace friends.

Kirk enters. Spock just hangs his head, knowing he’s been caught looking at kiddie porn and is totally going to lose his LJ account what’s coming. Kirk informs him that he knows he’s going to die. Spock reacts in the way of Emo Vulcan Teens since time immemorial:

“Spock,” says Kirk in a shocked, broken voice when Spock reaches for the turkey thermometer, I mean knife.

Then he looks intently at Spock and tells him that having the best First Officer in the fleet alive and well is an Enormous Asset to him. And if he’s going to lose said asset then he should know why.

Their chess board sits prominently behind Spock’s head in the background, symbolic of their relationship and all yin-yangy to remind us of their oneness with one another.

With difficulty, Spock tries to tell Kirk that no Outlander – “except those few who’ve been Involved” – and he doesn’t elaborate on what that means – can know. Even Vulcans can’t talk about it. So of course Kirk’s like, I order you to tell me.

At first Spock refuses. Kirk’s like, “Pleeeease I won’t tell a soul.” Kirk, caught between Kirk and what looks like the set of David Lynch’s next film, gives in.

“It has to do with biology.”
“….. Biology?”
“Vulcan biology.”
“You mean….. biology….. of….. Vulcans?”
*nod*
“You mean……… biology as in……………. reproduction?“

that’s exactly what Spock means. “How do you think Vulcans choose their mates?” he asks.

Kirk, in a stunning display of, well, logic, responds: “Uh…. logically?”

Noooo, says Spock. Logic has nothing to do with it. it is the…. PON FARR. The Time of Mating.

So, basically, Vulcans have a homing device that clicks on once every so often. They have to return to Vulcan, “choose a wife, or die.”

“….” says Kirk.

He gets up, stands too close, and then says softly, “I haven’t heard a word you’ve said.” “And…. I’ll get you to Vulcan somehow.” P.S.

Then he goes and fights with Central Command.

Rawr!

“I owe him my life a dozen times over,” he tells Bones. “Isn’t that worth a career?”

Then, just for good measure, he looks hot and determined.

Then there’s this thing with this chick and some soup.

Back in the lift:

Spock: I should warn you, Vulcans reach a level of insanity during this period you might find distasteful.
Kirk: on the contrary, I am totally turned on by you right now.

Spock: then in that case, would you come with me and be my best man? Just in case, you know, something goes wrong and it turns out I can’t actually mate with a Vulcan woman because I’m already mated to a human captain and we need to have sex and this episode turns into an SGA fic?
Kirk: gladly. But are you sure it’s kosher for me to be there?

Spock: it is my right. You are my right. You are my closest friend.

Kirk: *__*

Spock: Oh, and Bones, you can come too, I guess.

So then there’s this thing with this chick who looks like a Vulcan Sandra Bullock.

Spock recites bad poetry at her. He obviously can tell it’s awful.

Spock: Everyone, meet my wife.

Kirk remains skeptical.

My, Vulcan looks lovely this time of year.

Most cheerful wedding party ever.

Wedding? says Kirk. Thought you were already married?

Well, kind of, Spock answers. Sort of when I was seven, but we may have just been playing house. It’s all kind of fuzzy.

He explains how he and the wifey, T’Pring, had this cute ickle mind-melding ceremony when they were little so that at the appropriate time they would be automatically drawn to each other. ‘It’s thrilling, really. can’t you tell how thrilled i am?’

Bones is trying hard not to order psych evaluations for the entire Vulcan planet.

Kirk just looks totally annoyed with any ceremony that means Spock has to mind-meld with someone who isn’t him.

Oh, yeah, and Spock’s family is like Vulcan royalty, like that’s any big shocker.

Spock does the first official ‘Live Long / Prosper’ hand thingy! Which i can totally do with my left hand but not my right. not that i have been practicing, or anything.

But this makes Kirk really happy: Of course he’s royalty.

First thing Royal Lady does is at the Outworlders. Spock’s like no way in hell are you kicking them out. When introduced, Kirk marches up and stands right next to Spock, eying Royalty Chick and making sure his hand brushes the back of Spock’s in the most territorial manner possible.

He bows politely and glares at Royalty Chick like she’d be a fool to ask him to leave Spock now or ever.

But when she starts talking about Vulcan hearts and souls, he gets all misty.

The rite is over; Spock goes to bang on this gong thing, I guess to gongify their marriage bond, but suddenly T’Pring stops him and yells, “Kali-fee!” which seems to be best described as “extremely last-minute, permanently cold feet.”

Spock, looking confused but frankly relieved, throws down the gong hammer, and now there’s this other guy in an Aluminum Foil dress or something. I DON’T KNOW, apparently the two of them have to joust for fair maiden’s hand. Spock goes into what Royalty Lady calls “the blood fever,” which looks a lot like the last moments of the priest in the Exorcist.

Royalty Lady: this part will just be boring, if you want to leave, Mr. Kirk, you may.

Kirk, with a movement that can best be described as “swishy” No, no thanks, we’re fine right here. Which is most unfortunate, because apparently the person who gets to challenge is chosen by T’Pring pointing her finger and going:

“this one.”

everyone else: say what?

.
Spock totally freaks out in a mad lust-ridden flame veined Vulcany way. “I will do what I must,” he says, “but not with him…. He is my friend.”

Which apparently means that Kirk is clearly not getting married to a hot Vulcan chick if Spock has anything to say about it.

Spock demands that she forbid the challenge from continuing. Royalty chick is like, lol, you whimp, are you a Vulcan or aren’t you?

“My eyes are in flames,” says Spock. “My heart is in flames.” Woah, woah, he’s got a bad desire, all right. Just not for T’Pring.

Tough luck, says Royalty Lady. the Challenge stands. Then there’s this, like, Ritual Jeopardy time-out where they ring bells and walk around in circles, and Kirk debates what he should do: accept or decline?

Unsure what will happen to Spock in either case, he goes for the challenge.

Rawr! says Spock. Um, says Kirk.

By the way, this combat is to the death. Says Royalty Lady.

Gulp, says Kirk.

They begin to fight.

Years of experience have taught Spock that the most important part of any fight is to remove Kirk’s shirt.

Time-out is called, and Bones gets permission to give Kirk some sort of oxygen blood infusion to even the odds of the match.

Bones: You’re going to have to kill him, Jim. Tough shit, but there we go.
Kirk: Kill Spock? Whatever.

Fighting resumes.

Really resumes.

Oh, no! Spock strangles Kirk!

Oh, no! says Spock!

Wow, says T’Pring. Even I think I’m a bitch right now.

Poor Bones snaps, “get your hands off him, Spock,” and then declares Kirk dead.

In shock, Spock moves away, clearly no longer under the influence of Pon Farr or the blood fever or any other kind of fever.

[ This apparently means that either a) rolling around on the ground with Kirk sort of cleared that right up for him or b) he's STILL going to die in a week because he's still got to mate with someone and have sex. ]

In a voice full of loathing, McCoy tells Spock that he’s in command, and asks caustically if he has any orders.

Yes, Spock says. Fetch me some poison, for I have murthered my dearest love. Oh, and, T’Pring?

You got some ’splainin’ to do.

T’Pring explains that she didn’t want to marry Spock because he’s apparently too famous for her, and since the Kali-Fee was the only way she could divorce him, she planned to make him fight the captain because obviously the captain is totally gay for Spock and wouldn’t want her anyway, which meant she could marry Aluminum Foil Dress guy instead.

That makes perfect sense to Spock, somehow, and he tells Foil Dress he can have her. And then adds, coldly, “You may find in time that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.”

“Live long and prosper,” Royalty Chick says gleefully. She’s seriously fucked up, okay.

Spock just glares daggers at her, and you get the feeling that if she weren’t family, she’d probably be laid out cold like Kirk right about now. “I shall do neither,” he says. “I have killed my captain, and my friend.”

So he beams up.

Friar McCoy, prithee might I drink of that poison now? he says gravely.

Don’t you think you’d better ask me first? says Kirk, in a voice of pure seduction.

?!

Captain?! says Spock.

!!!!

Then he whirls around and grabs Kirk and shrieks, “JIM! “

Quickly recovering, of course, he inquires how Kirk happens to be alive. Bones gave me Inui Juice a Death Simulator! Kirk tells him cheerfully. It’s like you’re Romeo, and I’m Juliet!

Bones, quite gleefully, considering that five minutes earlier he’d been accusing Spock of killing his best friend, demands to know what happened with the girl.

And this may well be the historical small-screen moment that invented Slash as we know it today:

“It must have been the combat,” muses Spock. “But the moment I thought the Captain was dead, I found I had lost all interest in T’Pring.”

Kirk looks as if he thinks this is the most fascinating discovery in the entire galaxy. And is on the verge of saying something which would clearly have been equally fascinating, when he is interrupted by a call from the Bridge. Royalty Chick has smoothed things over with the Starbase PTB so nobody will be getting demoted or court-martialed in this ep.

Unable to let the obvious issue here drop, Bones persists: “But just now, when you saw the Captain alive, you really did want to jump him on the spot, right?”

“I was merely expressing thanks that the Federation hadn’t lost such a hot, I mean capable, commander,” Spock says.

“I completely understand your meaning,” says Kirk. “Let’s go make sure we’ve totally solved that pesky ‘mate or die’ problem.”

They immediately leave the room together.

Bullshit! Bones declares.

Uh, Bones? We’re trying to go have sex here?

There’s a name for what you two people have, and it’s called Denial, declares Bones.

Denial looks lovely on you, Mister Spock. *__* says Kirk.

As it does on you, Captain, says Spock.

Bones: You can pretend all you want, but I’m on to you.

Kirk: Right. Spock and I are just going to go “mind the store.” The one in our bedroom.

And they’re off, to live slashily ever after. Leaving McCoy to sub in as the third wheel in the occasional OT3, or be forever stuck as a pairing with Scotty, Sulu, or that creepy alligator on the wall behind him.

Thus ends the slashiest of slashy eps in Star Trek – the literal Mothership of slash as we know it.